you're singing along to the songs in the elevator

This really isn't a cheerful or happy post... just fair warning.

I'm always taken aback when I'm out in public (just doing everyday things... groceries, Target, etc.) when I overhear conversations and something reminds me or takes me back to the days before my mom passed.  Today, I was at Target and a gentlemen (probably in his 50's or so) ran into a friend of his.  The friend goes, "Hey! Fancy meeting you here... I thought Carla did all the Target shopping for you guys!"..... the man all of a sudden looked very sad and quietly stated, "Carla's been so terribly sick and fatigued after this last round of chemo. She can barely lift her head up, let alone get in the car and shop." His friend then started asking more details about Carla's battle with cancer, but the man cut him off, and said "I'm sorry. I have to run back home. I'll call you later."

Ordinarily, conversations like this are just something I walk on past without a 2nd thought, but this one brought back a FLOOD of memories... painful ones.  My mom had fought... and she fought HARD.  For five years.  There were probably 6 or 7 different types of chemo, 3 or 4 types of radiation, 3 surgeries. All the while, her spirit was unbreakable. The last 6 months of her life, she could endure no more. The last rounds of chemo did her in. She had no energy, she shook from the pain, she vomited non-stop, she couldn't even hold her head up. Her skin was gray. When I heard the man say that "Carla" can't shop anymore, I wanted to run up to him and tell him "I know. I mean I really know what you're going through right now." I wanted to just hug him. The last few weeks before my mom died, if I had to go to the store for something, I could concentrate on NOTHING else but getting back home to her.  What if she's fallen?  What if she gets scared and needs me to comfort her?  What if she's passed away and she was all alone? ... I wouldn't look at people, I wouldn't talk to people, I would get so pissed if the person in front of me wanted to talk about their f*cking petunia planters in great detail with the check-out girl.  In fact, I'm sure I said a couple of times, "Look I am in an extreme hurry, it's an emergency, can I PLEASE just pay for this and go???" And people would look at me like I was a maniacal idiot, but I didn't care.  SHE consumed my world. 

They say everything happens for a reason or there's some kind of lesson to be learned or there's a higher-being out there who wanted you to go through this for SOME F*CKING reaon!!!  I struggle to find the 'why' still to this day and it's been three years now. There are times when I feel like, through my experiences, I could help the care-takers/loved ones of these cancer-fighting people; provide support, empathy, IDK. But, I'm afraid that it would really bring back all the bad memories and I don't want to cry anymore.... it hurts. Maybe another year of healing and I'll be ready.... IDK.

Anyway, sorry to be such a bummer.... just something that happened today.