You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before!

Getting harder and harder to wake up and drag my ass into work anymore!!! 

When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along..

Speaking of spouse.... I believe and KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jenn IS my other half.  I was made for her and she was made for me.   The similarities we have are mind-blowing.  We've molded and meshed into being one person, yet we still have our own identities and respect each other for it.  I've never in my life trusted someone as deeply as I do her. Never have I felt so secure and whole with anyone.  She is Home.  She is Family.  She is my reason for breathing!   This is the first time in my life (oh, and there's LOTS of "life" that I've lived) that I've felt so strongly about someone.  Since we've made the exclusive commitment to one another, every day brings new & amazing possibilities.


(I started writing the above a few days ago and it's SO weird how I was just going to come into my office and tune out the world and FB, but I was struck to blog and I had this "draft" already started and it's about the exact thing I want to blog about tonight!!!  Coincidence?  I think not!)

I'm listening to the fire crackle, hearing Sons of Anarchy (Jenn & Kim are watching it), candles lit.... we all just ate at Ma Jong's (it was O.K..... meh) and I was just gonna zone out & play FB, but I was struck to write about my immense/never before experienced love for Jenn and how my life views have so drastically changed since she's come become a part of my world.  My priorities have done a 180.  It's like, my heart is smiling and open and forgiving and compassionate.... happy.  Jenn inspires me so much each and every day. 

My hope for the WORLD is that everyone finds happiness like this.  I'd be uber-selfish to not wish such utter joy on others :)

you're singing along to the songs in the elevator

This really isn't a cheerful or happy post... just fair warning.

I'm always taken aback when I'm out in public (just doing everyday things... groceries, Target, etc.) when I overhear conversations and something reminds me or takes me back to the days before my mom passed.  Today, I was at Target and a gentlemen (probably in his 50's or so) ran into a friend of his.  The friend goes, "Hey! Fancy meeting you here... I thought Carla did all the Target shopping for you guys!"..... the man all of a sudden looked very sad and quietly stated, "Carla's been so terribly sick and fatigued after this last round of chemo. She can barely lift her head up, let alone get in the car and shop." His friend then started asking more details about Carla's battle with cancer, but the man cut him off, and said "I'm sorry. I have to run back home. I'll call you later."

Ordinarily, conversations like this are just something I walk on past without a 2nd thought, but this one brought back a FLOOD of memories... painful ones.  My mom had fought... and she fought HARD.  For five years.  There were probably 6 or 7 different types of chemo, 3 or 4 types of radiation, 3 surgeries. All the while, her spirit was unbreakable. The last 6 months of her life, she could endure no more. The last rounds of chemo did her in. She had no energy, she shook from the pain, she vomited non-stop, she couldn't even hold her head up. Her skin was gray. When I heard the man say that "Carla" can't shop anymore, I wanted to run up to him and tell him "I know. I mean I really know what you're going through right now." I wanted to just hug him. The last few weeks before my mom died, if I had to go to the store for something, I could concentrate on NOTHING else but getting back home to her.  What if she's fallen?  What if she gets scared and needs me to comfort her?  What if she's passed away and she was all alone? ... I wouldn't look at people, I wouldn't talk to people, I would get so pissed if the person in front of me wanted to talk about their f*cking petunia planters in great detail with the check-out girl.  In fact, I'm sure I said a couple of times, "Look I am in an extreme hurry, it's an emergency, can I PLEASE just pay for this and go???" And people would look at me like I was a maniacal idiot, but I didn't care.  SHE consumed my world. 

They say everything happens for a reason or there's some kind of lesson to be learned or there's a higher-being out there who wanted you to go through this for SOME F*CKING reaon!!!  I struggle to find the 'why' still to this day and it's been three years now. There are times when I feel like, through my experiences, I could help the care-takers/loved ones of these cancer-fighting people; provide support, empathy, IDK. But, I'm afraid that it would really bring back all the bad memories and I don't want to cry anymore.... it hurts. Maybe another year of healing and I'll be ready.... IDK.

Anyway, sorry to be such a bummer.... just something that happened today.

you bend over to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else needs to be done while you're down there!

Go Giants!  Went to Strike's/Coach's last night to watch the last couple of innings (is that how you spell it?) AND to see the Giants WIN the world series.  I have to say, it was kind of uninspiring.  Didn't really seem like a fair match-up, but what WAS the bee's knees was spending time with my bestie and her man :)  Always good times when we hang out with them! 

I did start to think about all the revelers.  IDK how to really feel about grown men jumping around, high-fiving, yelling, doing this weird thing where they jump up in the air and slam into each other's chests. Oh and this one guy had a HUGE (ginormous!) Giants flag on a pole that he was running around the bar with.  I wondered if he felt it was his duty to inspire the other fans by doing this?  I really did try to soak up all the glee that these beer swilling gents exuded, but I just couldn't.  Ah well, it was GREAT people-watching :)